At every New year's Eve, I thought, oh damn, I have been wasting a whole year again not being totally myself. I was sad at that time and so so angry.

It is not my fault, it is your fault.

Until this time, making new friends was a little bit hard for me because I knew I cannot be honest to them, I will always have a secret. Now I'm closing this mess forever.

I hope I don't need to mention how strange it was, to grow up with that feeling. It wanted me to hide a part of myself. I couldn't tell it to anyone, I knew, I was not allowed to do this. 

It is not my fault, it is your fault.

Hungary is an interesting country, I have always loved her but she never accepted me as a citizen. It is so horrible the way you classify your people. You are woman, you are a gipsy, you are black, you are homosexual, a member of LGBTQ, you look like that, so you get less.

And now, I am here in New Zealand, I am going to tell you why.

I finished my studies one year ago, I have worked for a company for one year. It really sucked, I had enough and I really wanted to go away. I know, I know, everybody lives the same way in this country, but it doesn't mean that I also have to live this stressful life. Fuck, I won't!            

Let me present myself. I am Eva, Hungarian, 23 years old. I write a blog about my journey here, which is something new, interesting. I have been running for one year now, my longest way was 30 km, (18,6 miles) in Hungary. Now, I know, there is no distance, tempo which could allow me to escape from my problems. When I have realized it, I was thinking  "aaah, it doesn't work anymore". Sooo, I started to think about a new solution, I  knew, there should be another way the to hide my secret. How can I sweep away my problems??!!  And my fantastic idea was, oooh, lets move to a totally strange country, the farthest I can. I mean, If I could have received a visa to the Moon, I would have applied for it.

Unfortunately, the distance between Hungary and New Zealand is not enough to hide my feelings. Bad baaad feelings.

I decided to run the marathon on Christmas but I didn't do that. I want to stop now, face with my feelings and myself.

I tell you what I have already known from my age of 16-17. I was totally scared when I have realized it, I hadn't heard about it before. I was sure, I was the only person in the galaxy with this kind of stuff.. One year later, I started my studies at the university.... ok, I don't avoid the topic, so I am gay. A fag.

So, from my age of 16, I was not really, incredibly happy and satisfied. I just tried to be quiet, invisible, even if sometimes I seemed to be the loudest one.

It is not my fault, it is your fault.

When I moved to Budapest, there were a lot of things which opened my eyes, I have experienced the gay day and nightlife. From that time, I did everything consciously, I lied, I hid my feelings, I made fool of  people, but most of the time, I made fool of myself.

Is it still your fault...?

To reduce my guilt, I started participate in social activities, I have been to so many protests. I am quite active, but I don't call myself as an activist. How awesome and brave woman am I, who stands up for the others... I have lied to my family for almost 8 years.

It's my fault.

There is a milestone in every gay's life, when they tell it to their mothers. The phrase "coming out" is strange for me, I won't use it. I am writing a post now. I am unable to say the words "I am gay" to my mother, I cannot do that. Almost all of my friends know, telling them  is not a problem. Here in New Zealand, I can tell it to my friends when they ask about my boyfriend (.. no way! :) ) in Hungary..but when it comes to my family.. SHI425789357573489T!

The sad thing is I had to go to New Zealand (which is reallly beautiful) to be able to write, tell that I am gay.

You might think now, ooh, why am I doing this, who cares if someone is gay, it belongs to the private life.

Please just open your eyes, your ears when you are walking in the streets, when you are working. The fag topic is really popular. Hahahaa fags, hahahaa fag march, hahaa he/she is probably gay.. The society condemns, they are definitely interested in that topic, but when we need to talk about this as a social problem, YOU close your eyes and refuse even the existance of gays.

This is your fault.

Not everyone is like that, I have met so many good people too. I tell you a secret, you don't know how many gays live around you, among your friends, in your family.. They have to be hidden, because YOU are not able to accept them. Yes, you.                                                                                                                                             I don't say this is the fault of the society, because we are the society, you and me. So this is our fault. That's why you can't speak about the society as a magical something what you can't control, because you and me, we have to take responsibility for our actions!

I want to feel pride. I want to say it loud. Maybe you don't know why. You don't have to hide yourself. What is gay pride? It doesn't mean we are better than you. In the LGBTQ community, there are also a lot of asshole people. It means, after 1-2-3-4-20 years of silence, we can feel...free to show who we are.

In Hungary, there are a lot of people who can't be themselves, we are taught to be in silence, not to ask, not to do anything if something is wrong.

We are connected to each other, e.g. if I'm mean to another person in the morning on my way to work, we will have debate, he will have a bad day, and will be rude to another person too.

I have been writing this post for one week. I had a lot of things to tell you. I want you to understand it, and not to be asshole anymore. I want you to fight against the bad things. But gays are not among them.

P.S. Happy birthday Mom..